2023-10-02 Talking to solve friendship problems 通过交谈化解与朋友间的矛盾

朋友之间产生大大小小的摩擦是在所难免的事情。遇到问题或矛盾，最好的方式是及时沟通，防止问题进一步恶化，但这类谈话并非易事。怎样才能有效地与朋友沟通，以化解矛盾？本文介绍几个在困难对话中能用上的谈话技巧。

词汇：problems with people 人际关系问题

Sometimes our friends’ behaviour can offend us; sometimes we can see changes they need to make – but how do we tell them? Are there any ways to make difficult conversations easier?

It’s important to have solid evidence that there is indeed a problem. Evidence that can be agreed upon makes it easier for other people to recognise issues. Once you have proof, it’s important to highlight how it impacts us and others. Psychologist Andrea Bonior suggests framing problems with ‘I’. Saying ‘I feel hurt that you spend less time with me’ is less accusatory than ‘You never spend time with me!’ and is focused more clearly on the impact.

Staying calm is vital. Becoming tense might lead you to react badly and cause an argument. Bonior recommends that you should acknowledge the conversation could make you anxious. If you think about this yourself, it can help you focus on positive results. If you admit your anxiety to your friend, you will show a more human side. Another psychologist, Laura Brennan, points out how it’s important that we let go of our ego and don’t focus on the need to be proved right. This can help reduce tension. 

We can lower the potential for conflict by listening to the other person and asking questions. Many experts recommend planning your words, so that you can say things in a way that avoids conflict. However, Bonior cautions against overplanning as this can stop you being flexible enough to genuinely follow and participate in the discussion. 

Be realistic. Complicated problems are unlikely to be solved with one conversation. Consider what is possible in one discussion, and that it may be harder than you initially thought. This will help you to set realistic goals for what you can achieve.

词汇表

behaviour 行为
offend 得罪，惹恼
problem （须解决的）问题
issue 问题
impact 对…产生影响
frame 表达，说出
accusatory 指责的，谴责的
calm 沉着冷静的
react 对…作出反应
argument 争吵，争论
anxious 焦虑的，不安的
anxiety 焦虑，不安
ego 自我
conflict 冲突，争执
overplanning 计划过度
discussion 讨论，交谈

测验与练习

1. 阅读课文并回答问题。

1. What makes it easier for both sides to identify a problem? 

2. How can you make something sound less accusatory?

3. Why should you stay calm?

4. What is the benefit of admitting your anxiety to your friend?

5. Why shouldn’t you overplan what you want to say?

2. 选择意思恰当的单词或词组来完成下列句子。

1. Sometimes you have to challenge your friends’ _______.

discussion               impact                conflict           behaviour

2. Your _______ can mean you need to be proved right.

discussion              ego                      calm              offend

3. It can be good to admit your _______.

anxiety                   conflict                 argument      ego

4. A bad relationship with a friend can have a huge _______.

issue                      problem               argument       impact

5. Find a positive way to _______ problems.

react                      offend                   frame             behave

答案

1.阅读课文并回答问题。

1. What makes it easier for both sides to identify a problem?

Having solid evidence makes it easier to identify problems. 

2. How can you make something sound less accusatory?

By expressing your concerns using ‘I’ to show the impact on you.

3. Why should you stay calm?

You should stay calm to avoid an argument.

4. What is the benefit of admitting your anxiety to your friend?

It helps you show a human side.

5. Why shouldn’t you overplan what you want to say?

Because you might not be flexible enough to follow the discussion. 

2.选择意思恰当的单词或词组来完成下列句子。

1. Sometimes you have to challenge your friends’ behaviour.

2. Your ego can mean you need to be proved right.

3. It can be good to admit your anxiety.

4. A bad relationship with a friend can have a huge impact.

5. Find a positive way to frame problems.